


Just Breathe

by Jessie2126



Series: Maddie Buckley Week 2020 [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, MaddieBuckleyWeek2020, tw anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: This was written for day 3 of Maddie week.It takes place immediately after Albert shows up in s3 e11.The original prompt was:“you want to tell me about it?” + angst
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Maddie Buckley Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860865
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Just Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> TW, Anxiety

It’s interesting, the little things she can pick up on at this point. She notices the tightness in his shoulders when Albert steps inside. She sees the stiffness in his posture as they sit at the table eating dinner. She hears the forced cheer in his voice as they make small talk. She knows exactly what she needs to do.

She writes a quick note to Albert, telling him they’re going out. By this point, he’s passed out on Chim’s couch. She grabs the keys and eyes Chimney, standing opposite her. “Come on, let’s go.” He gives a weak nod and they step out. Before they get in the car, she lightly raps an arm around his shoulders. She feels the rigid way he’s holding himself, here’s the shallow way he’s breathing. “Hey, Chim, it’s okay, I’m right here, just breathe.”

He gives another tiny nod, and they both climb in, her driving, him sitting beside her. As she drives, she can’t help but look over at him. It’s interesting, this role reversal. He’s usually the one calming her down, making sure she’s okay, it feels nice to be needed. They both have anxiety, but the way they handle it is very different. She likes to be held, spoken to, reassured. He likes car rides, likes the ability to just sit in silence with someone. Now, the minute she notices the signs, she tries to plan the quickest way to leave, to get him out of the situation, to take him somewhere, to just drive.

She’s not quite sure where she’s going. The joy of living in LA is that they could drive for hours if they wanted. But they don’t. About 20 minutes later, she pulls into a familiar parking lot and cuts the engine. The park is small, isolated, the perfect place for them to be. It’s where he had taken her on one of their first dates. They climb out, slowly start to walk. She’s slightly ahead and keeps looking over her shoulder to make sure he’s following. Once they find a grassy spot, they both sit facing each other.

She waits for him to say the first word. She knows that pushing him will only cause him to shut down even more. Then he speaks. His voice is small, quiet, sad. “I’m sorry.”

She quickly shakes her head. “Oh, Chim, no, you have nothing to be sorry for.” As she waits for his response, she can’t help thinking that this is how he must feel when she feels the need to constantly apologize.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted to; I could tell how uncomfortable you were. Don’t worry, I wrote him a note.” She pauses, wondering whether to continue. She doesn’t want to push, but she knows that he won’t talk if she is completely silent. She decides to just go for it. “You want to tell me about it?”

He shrugs. “Not much to say. After my mom and I stayed here, my dad met someone, fell in love, had Albert.”

His tone is flat, monotone, like he’s trying to hold everything inside. She knows it all to well. He’s naturally internal, never talks about anything. She knows that once he’s started, all she must do is wait. If she gives him enough time, he’ll eventually open up. But if she pushes any further, he’ll completely shut down.

“I never really spoke to him. Maybe occasionally on facetime, but that was it. That voice male wasn’t even a happy birthday, it.” His voice trails off.

She notices the rapid rise and fall of his chest. She slides next to him, raps an arm around his back. “Hey, Chim, it’s okay, I’m right here. I’ve got you, just breathe. In, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4. Out, 2, 3, 4.” It’s always such a strange thing for her to do this, comfort him. She likes it in a weird way, likes feeling useful. She was never able to do it with Doug. His breathing does even out eventually, and she reaches up and lightly squeezes his earlobe, silently letting him know that she’s right here and that she’s not going anywhere.

He eyes her, tears right on the edge of falling. “Why am I not good enough?”

Her heart breaks for him. She hates how his father makes him feel. Hates how much self-doubt he has. Hates how he can never see himself the way she does. She takes a deep breath, trying to maintain her own composure. “You are, maybe not to him, but to me, to Hen, to the rest of the 118.”

“I don’t feel like I am, not right now. I don’t even really think about him. I forget about him, about my life back there. I barely even give Albert much thought. I had no idea he would just.” His voice trails off again, and the tears begin to fall.

She instinctively raps her arms around him, squeezing him tight, allowing his tears to soak into her neck. He pulls back a few minutes later, eyes red and looks up at her.

“I’m a mess. God, worst birthday ever.” He gives a thin smile.

“Hey, it’s okay. Chimney, I’ll always be right here. I’m not going anywhere.” These are words he has said to her many times. When the nightmares jolt her from sleep. When she’s dropped a glass that triggers a flashback. When she’s had a rough day. She can’t remember if she’s ever said them to him. It makes her pause for a second. “You know you can talk to mi, right?”

He nods. “I know.”

“I know how you are. You hold everything in until the pressure gets to be to much. So, if you need a break from him, or if you get another call from your dad, or if you just can’t handle it, please, tell me.”

He shakes his head. “Maddie, I can’t do that to you.”

“Yes, you can. She gives a self-deprecating laugh. “I do it to you all the time. I care about you, so much, and I want to know all the things, both good and bad. We’re a couple, we have to learn to give and take.”

“I know, I’ll try. I just don’t know what to do. Should I just let him stay?”

“I can’t decide that for you. But what I can tell you is that he really does seem to care. Maybe his plan wasn’t thought through all the way, but he came because he needed your help. You don’t have to let him stay, but you and I both know that you will.”

He nods. “I know, thank you.”

She shakes her head emphatically. “Chimney, we’re a couple, it’s what we do.”

He gives a half smile. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

She nods, lightly touching his shoulder. “Do you feel any better?”

He shrugs. “A little, saying it out loud helped, and so did the drive. So, you can just drop me home, and.”

She eyes him sternly, with the stare Buck likes to call the Maddie look. “No, we’re getting in the car, I’m texting him and telling him that your spending the night with me. You are amazing, but right now, I think the both of you could really use some space.”

He shrugs. “I’m not going to get anywhere by arguing with you am I.”

“Nope.”

He laughs. She stands and holds out a hand to him. He takes it and she pulls him up. “Ready?”

“Yeah, I am, thanks Maddie.”

Instead of answering she pulls him in for a long kiss. She knows that the next few weeks won’t be easy. A lot of longer car rides are probably in their future. But she also knows that she’s found someone who is the exact opposite of what she had before, and she’ll do whatever she can to make sure that he always feels loved.


End file.
